My Ramblings

Post Break-up Poem

Dusty_Ashes — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 02:21:44 +0000

And I stand here with a broken heart
Yet I am at peace
I am not angry nor filled with complete sadness
I am calm, though in slight mourning
Tears do fall on occasion
But I am not a mess
I am strong
My heart still filled with love
My mind set on waiting
Nothing can bring me down
Not words nor actions
I am, for once, okay with being dumped
Though she is no longer mine,
I still love her without a doubt
She will forever be in my heart
And she will always remain my best friend
All things happen for a reason
We will find a way to figure it out someday
But for now
We are not as one
For now
We are alone

Broken

Dusty_Ashes — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:36:11 +0000

I wish I could go back and take things slow…I wish my whole world was not falling apart…I wish that my heart did not hurt as badly as it does right now and I wish…I just wish this pain would go away. It is over but it is not over at the same time and that just makes it more complicated. Everything hurts so badly and the tears will not stop flowing. I am broken and alone. My heart is bleeding…the pain is pretty damn bad and the worst part is that it is not even officially over yet. Everything is packed in a box…everything except the ring she gave me, that will go in once everything is settled and we officially end it. These were the best months of my life and the happiest I had been, but just because I was happy does not mean that she was. I am dying inside right now and I do not see any hope for recovery this time. I blew my last chance…the chance I never thought I would get and poof just as quickly as she came into my life she was practically gone again. There will be no one else for me, I will not find this kind of love again, she is my only one and I just have to roll with the punches. Hopefully we will stay friends…hopefully I am wrong and we find some way to figure it out and make it work, though I have doubts on that. I just want her to know that she is the most important person in my life and that in losing her I am losing my heart and soul. I do not want to guilt her into being with me but I also do not want her to think that I will just be okay with this either. We are both suffering and sadly I need to make the trip to see her one last time, just so I can hug her before I let go of everything.

Until…until next time.

~Ashley

A quick late night update

Dusty_Ashes — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 09:01:23 +0000

Things have not been easy lately. There were some communication issues with my relationship and I feared the worst. We are in the process of working out the issues. I love her very much, I’m just a dipshit sometimes. I have missed conversing with her like we used to and now that things are a little better, I feel at ease a bit. She is amazing and in all of my life I have never met someone that made me feel the way she does. She balances me more than anyone else and she knows exactly how to make me happy. I am a very lucky girl to have someone as wonderful as her in my life.

Not much else has been happening, really just kinda laying low. Going to comic con next Sunday, so that should be interesting. Haven’t been sleeping well, but that is from the anxiety I had with the issues in my relationship. The last few days have been better though. I slept all day on Monday so I didn’t eat and have spent the last 15 hours trying to stop being hungry. Right now I am craving som McDonald’s fries and a nice apple pie or two. Maybe I can get some tomorrow, if the weather isn’t as shitty as it is right now.

Gonna try to sleep even though I am filled with energy. Later will be boring with the website blackouts for protesting SOPA and PIPA. I will just have to draw or something to entertain myself, which is fine, I need to work on improving my art.

Until next time.

~Ashley

Suicide Redux

Dusty_Ashes — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 13:16:28 +0000

Didn’t kill myself…obviously since I am posting. But the want is still there…sometimes it just seems like the best idea. I just refuse to do it at home and have my mom find me. I would rather do it someplace else and make it look like an accident…something where it will not hurt them as much. Either way me being dead will destroy her, but I think if she can believe it was an accident she would not be as upset. I know that these thoughts should not be on my mind…but sometimes I get pushed so far that I cannot help it. I am ready to just give up…I feel like…I have nothing…I feel like I am where I was when I moved out…soon it will be a year since I have been back home and I have made no progress…I am better off dead.

Suicide

Dusty_Ashes — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 09:26:21 +0000

Suicide is dancing around in my thoughts again. My depression thoughts that haunt me at every turn. I fight them but I am starting to wonder if I should just give in. What do I really have? I have nothing…I have no hope…no drive…I am empty again. Maybe I should just give up for good and give in to the urges. Maybe this time I should just end it all.

Why

Dusty_Ashes — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 10:06:09 +0000

Why am I so self destructive? Why am I so paranoid? Why can’t I just be happy? Why am I so scared to live?

Me on me

Dusty_Ashes — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 10:48:39 +0000

Things About Myself

Dusty_Ashes — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 05:18:46 +0000

So last week I went with my sister to Florida to help her set up the camper that she and my nieces and nephew will stay in until the deal for their new house closes. Anyways, it was a bit of an eye opener. I saw my dad for the first time in, well I do not even know how long it was, maybe last Thanksgiving or the first week of December? Well anyhow, it is common knowledge that I am adopted. I have known since I was around 8 years old. My mom told me, and at that age the only thing I knew was that my biological parents were not fantastic people. As I got older it did not really matter and I had forgotten about it until my parents got divorced when I was 12. It was around that time that my dad was seeing my now step mother(I hate her by the way) and she reminded me of the fact that I was adopted. She tried to push me to find out about my biological family, when honestly I did not care. Her pushing me was because she knew that my dad has all the information on them and she cannot find any information on her biological family at all(thus the pushing me to know mine when I didn’t give a crap at the time.) As I got older, as in the last few years of my life, I have found it harder and harder to answer the simple questions asked at the doctor’s office. I have no family medical history so I struggle and often get flustered when asked about what could be in my genetics. So back to the trip, the ride back, well it was my dad, my sister and myself in the car. He said if I had questions(I brought up my medical history to see if he knew anything) he would answer them. I told him to just give me a general idea of what they were like.

He gave me a few details, but nothing I could really use because he does not remember the exact last name of my biological mother or even the first name of my biological father. He told me they were not married, and that there was a child before me from a different relationship, one before me that was aborted, then there was me and at least one more child after me that they tried to give my parents but ended up keeping. I know the child after me was a little girl, but not much else than that. I know that for three days I had a different name, so that little bit of information has caused me to have a bit of an identity crisis, along with well everything else that has gone on. I do wonder what my siblings are like, though I could care less about my biological parents, I just want to know their family medical history so I can get the necessary preventative tests done( breast cancer screening, heart and anything else that could be genetic and kill me somewhere down the line.)

I am at a crossroads though, do I ask my dad for everything or do I just continue to act like I do not want to know? I mean I do not want to meet them, but it would not hurt to look them up online, right? Just to see what they look like and learn more about my background? I really need help figuring out what to do, I know that my mom is still against me knowing, and always has been, she fears I will love them more than her, fucking hell I don’t want to live with them or want anything from them, all I want is to know about my background, my genetics, my heritage. I want to know if I am Irish or French or whatever else, I want to know where I come from and what I can expect to pass on to my children if I ever have any. I want to know that I am not dating someone I am related to or have dated someone I am related to, I mean is that so wrong of me to want that information? All I know is I either find out behind my mom’s back or I tell her, but either way she will give me a hard time about it if she finds out. Sometimes I wish they had never fucking told me at all, because at least then I would not feel this lost.

Until next time.

~Ashley

I don’t even know what day it is…no seriously what freaking day is it?

Dusty_Ashes — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 10:06:30 +0000

For some reason the last few days have been really rough. I have fought the urge to cry and to shut everyone out again. I am starting to feel down in the darkest of places again. There is not much to be done about it honestly. All I can really do is ride it out and hope that I do not ruin everything else along the way. As I am writing this, all these terrible thoughts are racing through my mind. I know that in my nightstand I have straight edge blades waiting for me if I want to cut again. I know the gauze and tape are in there as well as things to sterilize the cuts. I know that I could do myself in if I chose to, but I also know that I would be letting down the one person I am in love with. It is always a struggle for me, to fight those urges. I constantly have to swallow them down again, they haunt me. At my worst I had cuts covering my entire left arm from wrist to shoulder. The scars may have faded but the memory is still there. Over the years there have been different reasons for the cuts, but most of the time it was sadness that drew me to the blade. I try to keep busy so that the thoughts do not bother me, but sometimes it does not matter how much I do, those thoughts and feelings always surface.

I thought they would go away as I got older. It seems like by not doing it, it becomes more of a forethought. I fight so hard to keep from doing it, but sometimes I do just want to give in and feel that rush again. Oh the way the blade dances across my skin. That first drop of that ruby-red blood. The way the blood pools as the blade drags across the forming cuts. It is those feelings that relieve the tension and sadness that builds up. The cutting itself is not what I like, it is the sensations that come from it that sooth me. I know that sounds sick, but in the same way as cutting makes me feel better, so do getting new piercings. I hate needles but there is just something about going for new piercings when I am feeling really sad and depressed that instantly makes me feel better. No, not the endorphins that are released from the pain, but something else entirely. It is more like a weight being lifted off me, but unlike with and endorphin rush, the feelings do not come back once I come down from the pain. Maybe it is all in my head, but that physical pain has always been better than taking medication that only masks the issues.

Connie has been by my side through all of this. She knows who I am and the things I have done to myself and yet she is still here in my life. I am thankful for her being a part of my life because she has helped to keep me from having the urges to harm myself. And it is not her fault that I feel the way I do right now. It is not within our power to control the feelings when they come along, we just have to ride them out. She understands me and knows that I am always doing my best to keep on the right track. And as busy as life has been for the two of us, I know that I can count on her to be there when I need her the most. For her I will continue to stay strong. She is my best friend and the love of my life; I do not want to do anything that would cause me to lose her again.

They say it takes a strong person to ask for help, and well I am asking for help. I know that not may people actually read this, but I do need help. I do not want doctors and pills again, I just want a support system that is there for me and understands me. I just want people who care to be there for me.

Until next time.

~Ashley

Another day, another post

Dusty_Ashes — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 23:33:34 +0000

I am not quiet sure what it is I want to talk about. Things are not bad but they also aren’t perfect. Just have to work on some things and hopefully it will all work out.

Connie and I don’t always see eye to eye and there are still a lot of issues we have not discussed. We are doing what we can to make things work. Yes, there are times where it feels like things are too hard, but we cannot give up because we hit a bump. We are doing our best to work through it all and in the end all the hardships will be worth it because of how happy we will be.

The reason I try so hard is because she is the love of my life. I do not want to lose her again. I have spent enough time without her and I do not want to ache like that ever again.

Life has never been easy for me and I struggle to hold on to the few things I do have. I want to hold on to this love, this happiness for as long as I can.

Connie, we will make it through this, I know we will. Our love is too strong to let these few issues stand in our way, we have overcome so much already and I hope you’ll continue to be my partner through everything else we will encounter as a family. I love you.

Until next time.

~Ashley