Things About Myself
So last week I went with my sister to Florida to help her set up the camper that she and my nieces and nephew will stay in until the deal for their new house closes. Anyways, it was a bit of an eye opener. I saw my dad for the first time in, well I do not even know how long it was, maybe last Thanksgiving or the first week of December? Well anyhow, it is common knowledge that I am adopted. I have known since I was around 8 years old. My mom told me, and at that age the only thing I knew was that my biological parents were not fantastic people. As I got older it did not really matter and I had forgotten about it until my parents got divorced when I was 12. It was around that time that my dad was seeing my now step mother(I hate her by the way) and she reminded me of the fact that I was adopted. She tried to push me to find out about my biological family, when honestly I did not care. Her pushing me was because she knew that my dad has all the information on them and she cannot find any information on her biological family at all(thus the pushing me to know mine when I didn’t give a crap at the time.) As I got older, as in the last few years of my life, I have found it harder and harder to answer the simple questions asked at the doctor’s office. I have no family medical history so I struggle and often get flustered when asked about what could be in my genetics. So back to the trip, the ride back, well it was my dad, my sister and myself in the car. He said if I had questions(I brought up my medical history to see if he knew anything) he would answer them. I told him to just give me a general idea of what they were like.
He gave me a few details, but nothing I could really use because he does not remember the exact last name of my biological mother or even the first name of my biological father. He told me they were not married, and that there was a child before me from a different relationship, one before me that was aborted, then there was me and at least one more child after me that they tried to give my parents but ended up keeping. I know the child after me was a little girl, but not much else than that. I know that for three days I had a different name, so that little bit of information has caused me to have a bit of an identity crisis, along with well everything else that has gone on. I do wonder what my siblings are like, though I could care less about my biological parents, I just want to know their family medical history so I can get the necessary preventative tests done( breast cancer screening, heart and anything else that could be genetic and kill me somewhere down the line.)
I am at a crossroads though, do I ask my dad for everything or do I just continue to act like I do not want to know? I mean I do not want to meet them, but it would not hurt to look them up online, right? Just to see what they look like and learn more about my background? I really need help figuring out what to do, I know that my mom is still against me knowing, and always has been, she fears I will love them more than her, fucking hell I don’t want to live with them or want anything from them, all I want is to know about my background, my genetics, my heritage. I want to know if I am Irish or French or whatever else, I want to know where I come from and what I can expect to pass on to my children if I ever have any. I want to know that I am not dating someone I am related to or have dated someone I am related to, I mean is that so wrong of me to want that information? All I know is I either find out behind my mom’s back or I tell her, but either way she will give me a hard time about it if she finds out. Sometimes I wish they had never fucking told me at all, because at least then I would not feel this lost.
Until next time.
~Ashley
