I don’t even know what day it is…no seriously what freaking day is it?
For some reason the last few days have been really rough. I have fought the urge to cry and to shut everyone out again. I am starting to feel down in the darkest of places again. There is not much to be done about it honestly. All I can really do is ride it out and hope that I do not ruin everything else along the way. As I am writing this, all these terrible thoughts are racing through my mind. I know that in my nightstand I have straight edge blades waiting for me if I want to cut again. I know the gauze and tape are in there as well as things to sterilize the cuts. I know that I could do myself in if I chose to, but I also know that I would be letting down the one person I am in love with. It is always a struggle for me, to fight those urges. I constantly have to swallow them down again, they haunt me. At my worst I had cuts covering my entire left arm from wrist to shoulder. The scars may have faded but the memory is still there. Over the years there have been different reasons for the cuts, but most of the time it was sadness that drew me to the blade. I try to keep busy so that the thoughts do not bother me, but sometimes it does not matter how much I do, those thoughts and feelings always surface.
I thought they would go away as I got older. It seems like by not doing it, it becomes more of a forethought. I fight so hard to keep from doing it, but sometimes I do just want to give in and feel that rush again. Oh the way the blade dances across my skin. That first drop of that ruby-red blood. The way the blood pools as the blade drags across the forming cuts. It is those feelings that relieve the tension and sadness that builds up. The cutting itself is not what I like, it is the sensations that come from it that sooth me. I know that sounds sick, but in the same way as cutting makes me feel better, so do getting new piercings. I hate needles but there is just something about going for new piercings when I am feeling really sad and depressed that instantly makes me feel better. No, not the endorphins that are released from the pain, but something else entirely. It is more like a weight being lifted off me, but unlike with and endorphin rush, the feelings do not come back once I come down from the pain. Maybe it is all in my head, but that physical pain has always been better than taking medication that only masks the issues.
Connie has been by my side through all of this. She knows who I am and the things I have done to myself and yet she is still here in my life. I am thankful for her being a part of my life because she has helped to keep me from having the urges to harm myself. And it is not her fault that I feel the way I do right now. It is not within our power to control the feelings when they come along, we just have to ride them out. She understands me and knows that I am always doing my best to keep on the right track. And as busy as life has been for the two of us, I know that I can count on her to be there when I need her the most. For her I will continue to stay strong. She is my best friend and the love of my life; I do not want to do anything that would cause me to lose her again.
They say it takes a strong person to ask for help, and well I am asking for help. I know that not may people actually read this, but I do need help. I do not want doctors and pills again, I just want a support system that is there for me and understands me. I just want people who care to be there for me.
Until next time.
~Ashley
