Where did it go wrong

i keep trying to figure out what i did wrong, and i just cannot figure it out, i cant figure out where it is that my life truly went to this dark place, was it when i moved home was it when i allowed molly to talk to me again was it when connie was here or after was it when i talked to my sister in law after months of ignoring her because going around her just reminded me of when molly was still in my life, was it when connie left me or was it when i failed out of school or is it because of the information my father gave me about my biological family or the fact that my name is not my own or that there is someone else out there that has the name i had or is it because i cannot even find a trace of them anywhere, i have been fighting these things for a while and no one seems to listen, they are there beneath the surface and i cant shake them and ive got no one to talk to about them anymore, im scared and alone, but no one notices because i am good at hiding it, my poker face is just that good apparently. but when no one is looking i sit alone and i cry because no one is here for me anymore.

An Update

I have not been keeping up with this as well as I should be doing. I just don’t know what to say anymore. I mean so much shit is going on in my life that I cannot even begin to get my thoughts in order. My grandmother fell last Friday, broke her nose and is banged up pretty bad. I am sinking deeper into the darkest place in my life. I feel like I am drowning, barely even keeping my head above the water. I have been sleeping really well lately, I am on a great sleeping pattern right now, I am up for normal hours and I am sleeping a decent bit each night. Other than that there is not much else going on in my life.

Giving Up on Love

So I am making it day by day. Things still are not great but I am sure they could be much worse. I still feel down but I am not as low as I was a few weeks ago. 

I spoke my mind, found the words to express how I feel and in the end, nothing, I should have known saying my thoughts would have gotten no reply, that it would just make her push further away. I guess it is time to just give up on love, on everything my heart wants. What is the point in fighting for it when nothing ever changes? 

Until next time or something like that.

 

~Ashley

Update or something

Haven’t really been sleeping much lately, between the way I’ve felt(depression and the flu) and the weather(been storming a lot.) I’m not feeling as sad today, might be because I opened up to Connie and laid out exactly how I feel or it could be because I saw her face when we were in FaceTime that helped soothe me a bit. Weather has me worried though, with my mom and dad driving in it to run errands or go to work. They’ll be gone one day this weekend, so I’ll have to fend for myself for food(kinda broke and no car is a problem.) Sometimes I wish I were still normal enough to work but those days are long gone. I’ve lost most of the skills I had, and well the only job I enjoyed is in a dying business type, you just don’t see many arcades anymore. Hopefully I can get my shot together with my jewelry and get some more things sold. Connie’s mom just bought three breast cancer awareness bracelets from me. I have ordered some supplies to make other types too. Hopefully I can make a name for myself with them and make a small profit, enough to live off while my disability benefits pay for my bills. Someday I know it’ll be better, but for now I just gotta suffer, good things come to those who wait, I’m hoping that if I keep waiting I’ll have Connie back and we can move forward with plans we had previously made.

Erg no time to think of a witty title

Things have been rough lately, I feel like everything is falling apart. The one person I thought would always be there is pushing me away just like the others, and it has crushed me. My heart is broken and I was already depressed before all this started so now it’s just even harder to keep in check. All I know is that things need to get better soon or I will find a way to escape the pain.

Fucking fuck fuckity fuck fuck fucking fucker

Nobody even reads this anymore. No one gives a shit that I fell back into self harm. No one fucking cares if I am sick or crying or hurting. No one fucking gives a damn that I am more lost now than ever and want to feel the cold embrace of death because I am so fucking miserable. That’s right I want someone to fucking kill me and end my suffering. I don’t want to live in a place where all I get is hurt time and again. I want to be at rest and at peace. This world is not for me and I think that I just prolonged my suffering by not getting taken out sooner. Maybe once I’m dead things will get better, since I won’t be alive to suffer anymore.

Until whenever or whatever the fuck it is I put here.

~fuck life, Ashley

Dancing with Suicide

So again I am dancing around the thought of suicide. Wondering if it is the right thing to do. Wondering why people see it as selfish when all the person who does it wants to do is escape all of the hurt and sadness they are suffering. How is it selfish to want to end ones suffering? I have my own reasons for wanting kill myself, but I have also been doing a lot of thinking on if I would want to go through with it or not. I am suffering, I feel alone. The depression has become harder to cope with, harder to fight. Sometimes I do wonder if it is just easier to give up. I am not sure many people actually get it or even understand it. The ones that do are the ones that have been in my shoes, have been on the brink of suicide. They are the ones who get me, but they are also the ones who do not talk to me. 

Sure I can pretend that I am alright, but beneath the surface I am suffering. I cry myself to sleep. I hardly eat. I am not as strong as I seem. I am weak, I am alone and I am heartbroken. I do not know if I can keep pretending that I am okay with things. I cannot keep up this act, this front of me not hurting. It is starting to seep out and show in everything I do and say. I am sick of being alone, sick of having my heart broken. I am sick of thinking that everything is finally going my way only to be hurt again.

What the fuck do I do now? 

Until next time…or something…or whatever.

 

~Ashley